An Open Letter to Football

'Been, on this path of life of so long. Feels I've walked a thousand miles.' 

Finding words here is difficult, but Take That haven't failed me yet.Possibly an ironic way to start a blog post, but it's where I am. Multiple different sentences have been attempted to break this one in, but none of them quite fit. They don't capture the size and breadth of thoughts I've been playing with. Perhaps ones which I put aside last year and didn't fully lean into. 

This is me stepping off the ride, with an immense sense of gratitude to the people and moments which have consumed the last 10 months, 10 years, arguably longer. 

This time last year, I was coming to the end of my Youth Council journey. Teetering around the edges of a mental breakdown which I'd managed to prolong over a series of months. Weeks away from entering a period of therapy to try and understand what was going on, and move into a better space. 

I'm spending 2020 in a similar setting.. a free month to breathe and reset. Leaning into the uncertainty with excitement and to what comes next. I'm in no rush. Which means I can really feel my way through this. 

'This' being the come down from the rollercoaster which I've written about in the past. The one which I wanted to end at high speed, whizzing and whirling until the end. I guess I'm at the point of getting off, finding my footing as I walk away trying to retain balance. Head scrambled, blood rushing. The difference this time is that was the last ride of the day. Time to go home. 

The football bit has always been the vehicle. The mode in which I have been able to learn, make mistakes, become myself, help the people. Somewhat of an outliar, is the stance I seem to have taken up. One of someone who cares more about the people, than the numbers. I don't really fit. And for a little while now I have realised the football bit isn't what excites me.

This game though, has given me everything I know.

Whether we're talking about the last 10 months, 10years and longer. After learning what it felt like to belong, and knowing that can be achieved through football my ambitions have been about how we can allow more people to realise their potential and find their feet through football and the opportunities it provides people to be better people.

I've given as much as I can.

I've arguably lived my dream. If dreams are built on roles and titles. There are however bigger mountains to scale. And I think a higher purpose to be lived. It was never about the role - but the opportunity to allow people to be their best, using football to achieve that. Finding my purpose, and living it through sport.

Football hasn't made me who I am.. It has provided the opportunity for me to find myself. I believe in service, living and leading via the heart in a way to provide for others. 

My only real aim is to always be a team mate or colleague of whom people are glad to have. To live within my integrity. To open the zoo, always.

I owe a great deal for the moments and memories. For the countries I've been to, and people met. For the people who now fill my life as friends, real ones. My house is a container for memorabilia, collections of items to remind me of what was and is possible. I hope through my own journey, I've been able to break a few glass ceilings meaning other people have fewer battles to fight - or perhaps just new ones. Better ones.  I hope that an example can be seen of what happens when good people are allowed time to bring out the good in people - which I like to think I am a product of. 

Chasing a role isn't a life. Living a purpose most definitely is.

Maybe I'll return one day, but for now it's time to become a fan again, and get back to enjoying the game in the same way which I fell in love with it. Who knows, there might even be a team who need a questionably calamitous centre half too.

FWAW*

Sarah Nickless

Human Being.

*Fucking Wolves Aye We.

That's a Wrap

Almost 7 years of writing, I had a false ending which I've renamed interval. But this is where I bow out. Across the 80 or so excerpts and posts I've tried to give the world a flavour of my journey. 

This blog was created with the single purpose to share learning purely because I knew I was experiencing things which so many others weren't. I don't know if my rambles, and now public internal monologue are helpful, useless or much of an interesting read. What I do know, is my journey is exactly that- mine. From the work I've done, and huge number of young people I've been around I've seen the pride and growth taking place through the journeys of others. I may have had experiences that others haven't, or won't. But there are more opportunities and experiences waiting to be taken and enjoyed which certainly weren't there 7-10 years ago. 

Whilst I'm grateful for the 11k+ views and reads, I didn't anticipate for how much I needed this space to appreciate and really grow from everything which I've done. 

On reflection, and reading back through moments which I guard as some of the best days of my life, the ones which changed the direction of who I am and want to be- I am able to really recognise the person who I've become and have my own story word for word to revel in again, and again. 

If you've been keeping up, you'll know I made a major life decision a few months ago. Which led to Youth Council taking up my every waking moment. This now leaves me with a time of quiet, to consider a measured and assured next step. A natural end where the monologue needs to become dialogue.

Life has taken me some amazing places, the same thing has brought me home. To start my next adventure. And to carry on living my purpose without a role defining the boundaries, for now.

Thank you for reading, and silently joining for the ride. 

See you in the arena, if you're coming. 

SN x

Exit Stage Right

I am, and will be forever grateful to so many people.

Right now I feel empty. The final whistle has gone, and I've left everything out there. Exhausted. But I know my roller-coaster kart in reaching the end point whizzing and whirling, with me laughing and screaming along. Returning for me to get off, for the next group of people to take the ride.

Whilst this will be a tough transition, where I will slide along the change curve, it is also a time where I will continue to be generous and waste no compliments.

To Steve, Donna, Lauren & Karl - I have lived recent years in taking risks and chances on people who I believe could realise their potential. I have lived in the knowledge that you all took a chance on me in speaking at that programme launch, representing The FA and putting me into arenas where I had no choice but to learn and grow.

You all have given me something which I will never be able to put into words, you've given me somewhere I belong, and somewhere I will always call home.

A sense of belonging I have been trying to create for everyone associated with our work, programme. A place where people feel safe.

  

To Amber - We wouldn't have met in the street, but I'm glad life brought us together. I have the most beautiful friendship, which I wouldn't change for the world. We've shared a lot of moments, life changes and successes. It comforts me to know I have you holding me up when I cant find the strength myself. I'm excited for all that is ahead for us both.

Through The FA's Youth Leadership Programme, I have a collection of the most valuable treasure. Friendship.

To all of my team mates, over the past five and half years I have strived to be a colleague you've been glad to have. I have enjoyed being a part of your journeys, and for you being a part of mine. Whether our friendship has outlived our time together representing the Youth Council or not, I'm grateful for your presence.

To Kieren, thank you for entrusting me with the baton. I've have been proud to carry on from you, and kept a safe grip on our dreams and started to bring them to life.

I wanted to represent The FA Youth Council to allow others to feel how I once did, I've ended up with the ambition to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to find and be their best self.

To my support network, of mentors, not so young people with young hearts, passers by who might not have been here for a long time - but most definitely created moments and opportunities for me to realise my own potential. I wouldn't be the person I am, if it wasn't for those who are generous with their time- whether it's reading my long emails, picking up the phone, forcing me to use my words or just sitting in silence. I see you all, and now you see me.

The best thing, is the chapter ends but the book doesn't. What I know for sure, is the people around me are here to stay. Not because of a role, but because of who I am. I'm grateful for their time, that already spent and the minutes yet to come.

To our people, our youth leaders - I don't think I will ever come to understand the impact I have had, I hope over the next few weeks and months, as I reflect, I will be able to appreciate the small parts played in the lives of others. Thank you for coming on this journey with us, for being all in, for entering the arena and showing up. Your energy inspires me to keep pushing my own glass ceiling - please do right by you and your people. It's the least the world deserves.

Good people bring out the good in people. I believe my purpose is to be a good human being. In doing so, I can only hope that other's can find and live their purpose. We're in a privileged position to be able to change people's lives, a power which cannot be underestimated.

To The FA - I did at one point try to work out how much money the organisation has invested in me. I stopped, and just decided to appreciate that wouldn't have happened if I wasn't a good return on investment. I've lived through too many restructures, and seen colleagues and friends move on which has been painful. I've also seen the organisation announce a huge amount of funding for Youth Leadership over the next few years. Thank you for believing in us, please keep the faith.

To my family, and to Ben - my proudest achievement to date is giving you someone to rely on, to depends on and trust. Someone who allows you to live your own dreams because you've seen me living mine.

I've been inspired, and hopefully inspired. My time within The FA's Youth Leadership Programme as a youth leader has come to an end. Through this blog, I have tried to encapsulate the journey, the truth is no words can describe the feeling I have and the culture we hold so close.

The memories I have will be guarded for the rest of my life.

I now pass on the baton to Chris, Roya & Alex. Three people who lead with their hearts, and have my full support.

My Dad told me, 'if you do what you enjoy, you will be the richest person the planet.' Thank you for giving me a wealth I didn't know I needed, but never want to lose.

  

SN x

Where I Call Home.

For context, letter written for FA Youth Council end of season dinner if I was unable to speak from my heart. It went unopened, but worth sharing, as my gratitude and love goes beyond those in the room.

July 2019

Hopefully this doesn't get opened or read. But in the probable case that you're crying uncontrollably and need some help - here it is. You've always been better at writing than speaking.

I've always wanted the same for you as I have Ben. I wanted you to have someone to rely on, someone you can depend on. Someone who will always be here. 

There's no hiding this season has been a bit of a pickle. Personally, I couldn't cope with things going on around me. But there is a reason I left my job before jeopardising my role here. To paraphrase JK Rowling, Youth Council has been my Hogwarts - always welcoming me home. You all have. It hurts me knowing how hurt some of us have been because of mental health reasons. I'm proud we've built a culture where we've been able to share our challenges. All I've ever tried to do is protect you all and Youth Council, for it to remain a safe space for us all.

I hope I've served you all as expected. It's been a genuine honour and the greatest privilege of my life so far. I've worn our badge, lived our culture and followed our compass every step of the way.
There are so many people who have helped me over the last 10 years. Who believed in me when I wasn't sure I could find it in myself. I've sat through too many FA restructures. Ridden the ebb and flow of FA life and am so incredibly grateful for my close friends, family and mentors who have helped me bring the zoo to life.Who have had my back and supported me along this pursuit.

I've written you all a letter, and you deserve so much more. I've bought a gift and will attempt a speech about our staff and vice-chairs, or I'll read their letters if I can't manage that.

I'm so grateful to The FA for investing in me. Supporting and giving me the opportunities to create the journey I've had. Time for me to give the shirt back, and pass it on. Please always follow your moral compass, not the marks of time or worse - any kind of KPI. The world, and you are better than that.

I think Toy Story 4 said it best. I, like Andy, cant hold onto a kid, or role anymore. I need to be a lost toy - but I'm not really lost at all. Not anymore.

At the end of that Lionesses documentary, Steph Houghton closed the show with a few thoughts which mirror mine- so here they are:

'I don't ever take this role for granted, for the last 4-5 years it's been a roller-coaster - it's been a roller-coaster but I've enjoyed ever single minute. I'm really proud to wear the England shirt, I'm really proud to be part of such a special group and even more proud, especially for my family that I've been able to lead these girls  our team out and really hopefully go onto something greater than we've ever done before.'

Untitled

You don’t need a role or title, just heart and direction. 

I think that’s what I’ve learnt over the last 10 years. Of wading my way through experiences, roles, insecurities and doubts. Reaching the end of this wonderful youth leadership journey, the final few pages. I can’t ever promise that others will have the same journey I have, but I can promise, that the pathway is clearer, brighter and open for anyone who wants to find themselves as a leader and person.

My companions. The people I’ve met, made friends with and enjoyed striding with. I’ve written about them a lot across my blog. But I cannot write of their importance enough. I’m grateful for the acquaintances who have become my north stars. Who have become the most special people whose time I value so much. The people who have kept me on track, told me to get a grip on regular occurrences. Who have enjoyed my successes as if they were their own. The people who have helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life so far. The great news is that these people are here forever. And I love them so much.

I guess I’ve been able to face a lot of personal barriers. The lack of self-confidence, the perfectionism, the self-criticism which is way and above criticism. I come away from my time within the youth leadership process as a better person. With the self-awareness to recognise who I am, what I stand for and able to open the zoo. I’m proud of who I’ve fought to become.

I’m even prouder of every person who I’ve been able to come into contact with, support, help, encourage along their own journey. Because it is the fire of enthusiasm and development which continues to inspire me to do more and be more. It’s knowing that everything I do is on behalf of something much bigger than myself which drives me to keep pushing, arguing and working to ensure young people have everything they need to reach and maximise their potential. Planting the tree I won’t sit under, or eat the fruits from. But knowing someone one day will, because someone did the same for me.

The line in my head, always, is ‘someone once took a chance on you.’ Which they did. Someone took a chance on me, which I hope I’ve showed faith in. I’ve done things beyond my wildest dreams because I was aiming too low. Or maybe, I didn’t realise what was possible.

There’s something endearing about naive people like like I was, who break barrier after barrier. Without fear or at times knowledge of what the impact is. But there’s something cooler, about people who realise the big picture and ambitiously run full speed into challenge and back themselves to come out alive and on the winning side.
I’ve fought a lot of battles, maybe not won the war. But that was never for me to do.

It’s taken a lot of thought. But I’m ready for this to come to a close. To be able to walk away knowing I’ve done all I can. The setbacks have been redirections which have allowed for learning and new/ better opportunities. I’m moving from front and centre, to supporter from the sideline. It’s going to be strange. But it’s time. And I know that.

Before anybody asks that question for the millionth time. No, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the spare time. No, I’m not sure what I’m going to do next. And I’m 100% ok with that.

I’m going to close this waffle, and in part the chapter with a thank you to my two biggest supporters. To Mom & Dad. Without whom, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. I wouldn’t have been able to get near the opportunities I have. I owe them both so much, I know I’m making them proud. Reaching for the moon, as the stars await if I miss. Thank you for teaching me dream, and helping me bring that to life. For giving me the tough talks when I needed them, for supporting - not judging my life decisions. And for being as excited and scared about my next chapter as I am. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

My Call to Courage. Ethiopia.

Ethiopia. 11pm - 13/6/19

Before we start, a quick disclaimer. This post was/is a late night, airport waiting room mind drop of thoughts surrounding this current leg of my personal journey. A further post following time to reflect in full will emerge over the coming days containing more about the content of the week I've just had.

On with the show...

There's no denying the last few months have seen me hit rock bottom. There's a quote somewhere about having to hit rock bottom to then find your opportunity to rebuild. It's also when there are pits that you can develop platforms for peaks. 

It's in making decisions - for me, by me - in recent months which have allowed me to redefine 'stress'- what it looks and feels like. I've moved away from stress controlling my life, containing my happiness and joy... to becoming the birth place for this new chapter. 

Let me paint you a picture, I've spent the last 5 days in Ethiopia, on behalf of The FA co-delivering a leadership programme to local leaders of the game. Before I go on, you can already start to picture environmental differences, potential upcoming challenges and a need to flex and adapt. We faced several unexpected challenges which weren't apparent until arrival or day to day. This week is the week of national exams for Ethiopia, the government cut off all wifi and phone data access across the nation to stop questions and answers being shared. We learnt that power cuts were common due to the cost of electricity. Things we see as basic, or to some necessities, to others really aren't important at all.  

Imagine being me, the deep thinker looking for meaning in every action and moment. Being faced with challenge after challenge. Unable to stop and try to make sense of it all. Bouncing from moment to moment. 

I was asked earlier, how highly stressed did I feel? Throughout the week, I couldn't relate to a feeling of 'stress' which I'm used to. Stress being this negative emotion, sapping of energy and the ability to think clearly under pressure. The closest I felt to this, was trying to sleep at night - trying to get in the hours to be on top form the following day. 

This week, I've felt the thrill of this new stress. The thrill of so many challenges, far more than I expected or imagined. I've been required to find a new, better, improved Sarah Nick. I didn't have a choice, but to embrace everything in front of me. Embrace, or what? Escape, not really an option. Panic, flap, lose my own self discipline? For the benefit of who? Even if that's what I felt inside, I've been trusted with a role, task, adventure and I wasn't going to let be put in jeopardy because it was uncomfortable. 

I think it's rather amazing, the ceilings we break through. The doubts ignored. Perceptions left behind. The people we become when we simply have no other option. 

Don't be fooled, I was far from perfect this week. Made mistakes, had my own fall down moments. But I owned all of them. Owned them, sat with the discomfort and emotion, had to learn quickly - take the key point and build on it next time. It's like I've been in a vacuum. Leadership is messy, and hard, and looks different.  But, 'sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.' Just show up? This isn't 'just' anything, this is being present to every moment. 

I've got a lot to reflect on and mull over. This week has been tough for so many reasons. But it has also been the birthplace of new ground broken, for owning moments and sharing a common passion of football with new friends across the world.

Ethiopian National Stadium

The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure (Joseph Campbell)

I said yes. 

12 Month Letters

In 2015, my friend and OG, Amber and I started writing ourselves letters. Letters to ourselves to open a year later. These letters hold our individual goals and aspirations for the year ahead. On or after the allocated date, a year on, Amber and I sit with a coffee and reflect through our thoughts, achievements and goals.

You may or may not know yet, I have decided to leave my job at Somerset FA, and will be moving back to Shropshire at the end of April. This is in a different post -but just know, it's a decision for me, by me. And I cant wait for the next chapter of my journey.

Anyway, in starting to pack up my life, I have found the letters I wrote myself in 2016 and 2017. In finding them, I've realised that even though I might not have achieved the goals within the year I wrote them, but time has enabled me to work through and past them. As these are mine, I thought I'd chuck them on here... you liked the last letter I wrote myself :)

26/7/2016

12 months time from 26/7/16 - 26/7/17

- Find a way to reign in the crocodile

-Take on more responsibility and progress at work and within the National Game Youth Council

-Take a holiday

-Continue to strive for perfection, enjoy learning and embracing the want to continue to develop as a person.
-Be a swan
-Be brave enough not to settle.

SN

14/8/17

To Sarah

In writing this and considering thoughts for the next 12 months, please don't forget to enjoy and be present. Here are your big hitter for the next 12:
-Learn to slow down
-Make the most of the opportunity in front of you.
-Really represent FA Youth Council on the biggest and smallest stages.
-Find some form of purpose.

-Stay true, don't get lost, ask for directions.

-To move on from Somerset FA, into a role which fuels your life. Find something which makes you come alive most days, not on the odd day.

-Figure a way to believe in you. Wear it. Don't keep it in your backpack.

Take your zoo with you. Be sure to open it.

Catch you at your best.

SN

My 2018/19 letter is securely enveloped and in the hands of Amber, as I have her letter ensuring we don't cheat and also commit to ourselves and each other. I don't know where I'll be when I open that next one, and that is a thought which excites me a lot.

SN